going backwards

this morning i gave a presentation on the Black Mountain College. While i was waiting for class to begin i looked at a book of Jenny Saville... so much art, paintings, artists. I think I've looked at enough paintings for now. I must confess that the more I look the more jealous and overwhelmed I feel. need to paint. to finish school and to paint in open spaces. with more brushes (one for each tub).

i was thinking more about Picasso today. when i watched the video of him drawing- i was thinking that it made sense that he went through so many artistic periods in his life. that he began with realistic painting and finally ended in abstract representations. and that in order for him to have mastered the art of proportion (which enables him to draw perfect figures wihtout correction in a matter of minutes) he had to spend a lifetime practicing in more realism.

but why is it more easier/natural for me to draw like picasso and egon schielle than it is to draw from rembrant? maybe because i am picking up where picasso left off- in the abstract. where picasso started with the real and went forward into the abstract... i have to start abstract and go backwards into the real.

whatever it is/ it is always a matter of sensation- of something more sensual than mental .. but anyhow. off to rehearsal .